HOPE and HOPELESS

Bella has been so very lucky!  Kids with central lines tend to be in the hospital for line infections or breaks, often!  We have been fortunate that Bella has not had a line infection since we brought her home from the hospital in December.  I expect those kinds of  hospital visit! But how do you handle hospital stays that you dont expect?
     The most emotionally draining time in my life has been spent here at the hospital this week!  Those of us with kids who frequent the hospital for one thing or another know what I'm talking about.  We HOPE for the best but slowly as time goes by I've begun to EXPECT the worst.  I'm not being negative, for me its almost a defense mechanism,  A way of coping when things dont go as planned (they rarely ever go as planned).  Today they are planning on taking Bella off the Ventilator. She's been on it a week and although some trial runs have not gone well, they want to SEE what happens.  Part of me is jumping up and down inside to get her off this thing so I can hold her. But... The other part of me is gearing up for the failure that can happen.  Is this fair?  Should I feel this way?  So many emotions and as I sit here watching my baby girl sleep with all the tubes and machines helping her, I feel like there is a tennis match going on inside me heart and they players are HOPE and HOPELESS